coffeefortwo asked: Why don't you like marriage? Do you feel the same about civil unions and such?
A few reasons. I think marriage plays a huge role in perpetuating misogynist white male culture, that its deeply rooted in a number of different privileges (meaning that allowing same-sex couples to marry doesn’t truly translate to “marriage equality”), and the fight for “gay marriage” enforces the existing social hierarchy even within the LGBTQ community.
Just look at some of the traditions we associate with weddings — the brides being given away by their fathers to their husbands, for example. They are basically passed down from one man to another. This might not be the exact case with same-sex marriages, but marriage is still a heteronormative institution that queers are attempting to assimilate to, therefore replicating and enforcing the patriarchy. Furthermore, marriage is something that does not affect every member of our community, and yet it is still seen as a measure of the public’s view on queer acceptance. It is seen as the LGBTQ issue of today. Meanwhile, a lot of people remain blind to the unique oppressions faced by trans members of our community, by queer people of color, etc. Even bisexuals are often marginalized by the language of marriage equality — what if two bisexuals are in a same-sex partnership and wish to marry? Neither of them are gay, but we’ll still refer to their union as a gay marriage.
It just goes to show that white, gay men are still the face of our community and that our goals therefore have a very homonormative focus. Even beyond the implications marriage has for the social hierarchy, there’s one thing marriage privileges above all else that many completely ignore: coupledom. Our society is so structured around couples that it becomes increasingly difficult, as a person grows older, to actually live as a single person (or even as a person in a polyamorous relationship). Think of all the protective benefits of marriage when it comes to taxes, health insurance, etc. These are things that are basically necessary for us to live, yet they’re not afforded to single people in the same way.
There’s a lot more I could elaborate on, but it would probably turn into an entire essay. Check out the article “Is Gay Marriage Anti-Black?” by Kenyon Farrow and “Why I Hate Gay Marriage, or, Notes on Queering Black Gay and Lesbian Politics” by Frank Leon Roberts for some more interesting commentary on the implications of marriage for the queer community and people of color.
Civil unions obviously don’t have the same history that I’m referring to when it comes to marriage, so I don’t feel quite the same way about them. I’d rather see civil unions in this country (for heterosexuals as well) than marriage.
